Damn

They really are gone. For good. There is nothing I can do to bring them back. I quit smoking a year ago this month, I have no idea what the date was. My journal had it all. My reflections on my children's lives, my entries from the day I met some of my best friends. How do I get over this? Rum and coke will help tonight. Tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe this will inspire me to go back to that creative time.


Good things:

My wonderful loving best friend who happens to be my husband

The relationship my children have with each other

My ability to move on and focus on all the wonderful things in my life.

Memories Seep

Shanda brought me a burned copy of Mazzi Starr the other day. I have not listened to that CD in almost 10 years. High School memories overflow. Yearbook class. Chris' POS car. Skipping school and laying in bed with my CD player and Mazzi spinning. Garden Ridge. Brandi's Crx at lunch. Mazzi Starr's songs were able to weigh on my mind all day. My how life has changed. Here I sit at my kitchen table on my laptop with the Alex's unfinished lunch lurking in the corner of my eye. The hot iron and ironing board perched behind me. Mark's work clothes waiting to be pressed. My almost 3 year old son upstairs asleep in his Bob the Builder Bed. I hear the hum of the dryer, and the swoosh of the washer. Behind me on the white board is a to do list longer than I know what to do with. Planning Alex's birthday party, winterizing the lawn for winter, cleaning the windows etc. Meanwhile Mazzi Starr, strangely out of place plays in the distance. For a moment I am consumed in me, and only me, in my own private thoughts. Ahh, the silence, the bittersweet silence, the blank easel of my mind awaits.

Sick to my stomach

I just realized that i have lost over 20 journal entries from last year. I'm so so sad. That was a very creative time. I had some very special moments that I was able to write about creatively. Those were my inspiration and my memories and I'm just ill. I just can't believe it.

Tubby, Tubby, Tubby

We've always wondered how long we'd be able to put off the inevitable ER visits. Our luck ran out today. While volunteering up at Sissy's school, he managed to fall on a small table and cut open his precious little chin. My son cries easily and often, but when I heard THIS cry, I knew immediately that something was hurt pretty bad. When I saw the gash in his chin, my first reaction was to run to the nurses office accross the hall. Unfortuantely, nurses are allowed to take sick days, and she was not there. Go figure. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful friend who came to get us without hesitation so that I could sit with Alex in the back. Daddy got to the Round Rock ER before us and was able to do the paperwork before we ever arrived. Within a few min. of walking in the door they called us back. Alex got liquid stitches and did very well with no tears. $75 later, we're home and doing fine.

The invitations are out

I have FINALLY addressed all the envelopes and sent them on their way! I'm not quite sure how I managed to put this off for so long, but I did it. In the past I've actually put these sort of things off for so long that I've just nixed the entire idea. Here's the front of my masterpiece (or I should say ALEX'S masterpiece):




This picture is a very good representation of his 3rd year of life, this boy has dropped his pants for everyone I know. He's peed in the front yard dozens of times, in neighbors yards just as often and in parking lots on 3 different occasions. It is not uncommon to have friends over when Alex's clothes suddenly disappear. This invitation went out to close friends and family, so this is definitely not a sight they have not seen. I'm hoping this picture will surface in about 15 years.